The Extended School Day (Revised/edited)

• The author of this piece keeps a moderately constant tone and point of view throughout the piece. Sticking to the initial idea of lengthening school days.
• I personally believe that there isn't one thesis statement, it seems as if the author clumped three sentences together, rather than one precise sentence stating what will be in the piece.The author used a broad idea stating "there are many advantages to this idea" which can initially bore the reader..
• Therefore the author could of strengthen the thesis by stating what will be said in the following paragraphs. Saying something as if " due to problems with parents work schedules and students school hours we will explore the many advantages of lengthening school hours for parents,students, and teachers. Which would give the reader a better idea, of the contents of the piece.
• Each paragraph is relevant to the topic due to the fact that it is so broad, almost anything would relate if you ask me.
•  The first paragraph of the body basically is arguing that longer school hours would be more effective and manageable for parents because the extended hours would allow students to have help on their homework by teachers, financially it would be easier because parents wouldn't have to deal with the cost of a babysitter or nanny.
• The second paragraph begins to show the benefits for children. From the beginning the author isn't clear she kind of jumps around on the topic of children from what they want to what they need. Stating that more time at school would allow a safer environment for children and allow them to join clubs etc.
• The third paragraph explains benefits of teachers. Explaining the longer hours would allow teachers to further explain lessons and also be able to get a raise for working more hours.
• I believe that it could of been in a better order by revising paragraphs and breaking up paragraphs, into a more pleasurable read.
• The authors problems begin with the introduction, while trying to paint a vivid picture is ideal but wasn't affective in this piece. Which moves onto a non-functional thesis that doesn't exactly entail what the reader has in store. In paragraph there describing the benefits for children but the author jump from saying children think school is boring to longer school hours are safer for children.... which doesn't necessarily correlate. Which leads to a small paragraph about how it benefits teachers with not many added details.

Revised version:

                                                        The Extended School Day
    Due to the current economy most adults work a 9-5 job, Monday through Friday if there lucky enough to have one. But what happens to those adults children who are let out at three o clock and there isn't a responsible adult to watch them. They could run around doing things that could possibly harm themselves. But the idea of lengthening school hours has become a controversial new topic, that may have a very positive outcome. With such problems occurring with parents work schedules and students school hours we will explore the many advantages of lengthening school hours for parents,students, and teachers.
    Many positive outcomes will affect children's parents if the state extends school hours. For example most parents are tired once they've gotten home from a long work day and by the time the eat dinner and settle down there exhausted and don't have enough energy with their children's homework. Which leads the children to have to figure it out themselves or even not do there homework. If they had more time at school teachers could tutor them extra on subjects they didn't fully understand. Along with the extra help on homework, there would be extra help financially for some households, because some parents hire Nanny's or sitters to take care of their child until they can get home.If there were extended school hours parents could save money.
     Most kids don't truly enjoy school because there isn't much time for anything but work with such short school days but with an extended day children would have more time to join clubs and be active in activities outside the classroom. Just as mentioned before most kids wont make the effort to do their homework or study outside of school with out a parent pushing them to do, but it will benefit children to have longer school hours because they will have more time to work on subjects that are more difficult for them.
      Not only will these extended school hours benefit parents and students but also teachers. With longer classes and days, the teachers will be able to become more one on one with the students. Also they will be able to go deeper into detail with the material. Lastly with the teachers working more hours they will be making more money therefore more teachers will be available with better benefits in the field.
     Though its not set in stone that all schools will be switching to a longer school day, it would have many positive outcomes. Anywhere from children's safety to availability of teachers growing. With this one change we could change the world in a positive way taking stress off parents, children and teachers.